It wasn’t meant to be like this. 

Just no. 

This is what happens when you don’t listen to your heart and listen to other things that don’t matter. 

Or is it meant to be like this? Have I just been wrong the whole time? 

Sometimes it’s worth it to read the story anyway, no matter the spoilers or the ending. 

It’s like having vanilla ice-cream after having rocky road.

It’s not that vanilla is bad but you can’t really go back to liking old plain vanilla after getting a taste of rocky road.

Some women could live without men. Exempting the need to reproduce, some of us could certainly do it.

But we cannot live without love.

The point of a partner is to give you that unconditional everlasting love. Yes, when you’re young your friends will still keep you company but friends come and go, even family have their own bundle of worries to deal with.

But a partner? They’re meant to stick by you till death do you part.

And that’s why we need them.

We need them to make us laugh when everything goes to shit. We need them to dance the puddles and sing in the pouring rain with us.

We’re becoming more independent, and the darwinian need to find a male protector and hunter is not as necessary as it used to be.

But the need for love, that has never changed.

You knew she doesn’t eat any kind of fruit except apples and strawberries. 

I’m not jealous. I just kinda wish you knew me that well too. 

I wish you knew when it was that I felt uncomfortable. Or when there’s something wrong. It’s not hard to tell with me, everybody else in my life knows it. 

"It’s just that you hope there’s someone who’s on the same wavelength as you and it’s a bit disheartening to find out that they aren’t" - Modern Family 

I just know that I have to go back to You. 

but I can’t. 

I don’t know why. I feel so far away, distant. 

And I don’t know what to do. With life and how to get back to You. 

God, if you are listening, whisper me the answer. 

What do I do when I feel like this. 

I kinda forgot what it meant. What it feels like.

To have a conversation where I don’t have to worry about anything.

We both know the unwritten rules and there are so many things that don’t need to be said for our conversation to make sense.

We just get it

Both of us

I need a new prayer

I keep hating myself for still going back to the old prayer

And I’m not entirely happy with the current make-shift prayer

Just need something new to ask God because I’m done with my old prayers.

Going to have to be careful with the next one just because I know that prayers come true.

Lord, hear us.

Never not listen to your instincts. They’re always right.

If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

People say I assume a lot of things and jump to conclusions too quickly.

They’re often illogical jumps, I don’t know how I got there but I just know that that’s how it’s meant to be.

I try to give people and situations the benefit of the doubt but I almost hate myself when I find out that I had been right all along.

I had been right about my feelings, it’s exactly where it is because that’s exactly where your feelings are too.

It’s not where people told me it is or where I hoped it was, you are right here with me, right in between confusion and uncertainty.

Words and actions may speak otherwise but things you say and do behind my back say that there is something more in between the lines.

Or maybe I’ve way over analyzed this and I’m being overly dramatic.

No, it’s definitely you just being a dumbass.

Bittersweet.

I never knew that something can be so bitter that it becomes sweet. Maybe that’s not the intended meaning of the term “bittersweet” but to me this is the perfect way to describe my experience here in Shanghai.

It was eye-opening, awakening and enlightening I suppose, to say the very least. I learnt and discovered more about myself, others and my surroundings, things that I never imagined to discover.

It was an unexpected lesson and I think those are the best kinds.

It was bitter. But now upon leaving, I am beginning to taste the subtle hints of sweetness. Actually, I’ve always been able to taste the sweetness all along but this kind of sweetness really is acquired tasting and it took a while before I could
fully appreciate it.

Always pick vegetables.

In life we would have came across this kind of decision countless times. From the actual childhood decision of vegetables or delicious dessert to later in life, when this decision becomes a little more metaphorical but the same principles still apply. 

When you have two choices; one that looks good on the eyes and is what you desire and the other, the more bland broccoli that may not be what you want but you know is good for you. 

Even though we’ve learnt as kids that eating all that candy before dinner will make you sick afterwards, we still do it anyways. We often cannot resist the temptation of candy, ice cream or whatever junk food is presented to us and we prefer the instant gratification they offer rather than … eek, vegetables. 

The problem is the benefits of vegetables is subtle and not as instantly received. 

Wait, why am I writing about vegetables and junk food. 

Actually what I wanted to say was that the second good-for-you choice is always the best choice. It may be the boring choice but at the end of the day, especially in hindsight, the vegetable option is always the correct one. 

Because candy makes your stomach sick. It dries your mouth and bad candy just makes you feel like you ate soap. It may have seem like a good idea at the time but later it definitely won’t taste as good. 

I trust that as adults we can overlook instant gratification and go for something more, hold back for more gratification later. It is against primal nature to do such so but we as humans are given the ability to fight our primal urges, thus why we are more superior to apes. 

So don’t be an ape, eat your damn broccoli. 

Tags: prose what

命中注定

如果命中注定是真的我不应该跟你在一起。因为我们以前没有故事,没有历史什么都没有,我们只有自己的人欲。

所以为什么从现在我不太相信命中注定,不相信迹象,不相信只有一个人是我的。

因为如果命中注定是真的,我不应该跟你在一起。

It’s the last weekend of 2013.

Dayum. Time flies. 

Every end of year I always feel the need to do a big reflection, but this year the time and space continuum is seeming to play tricks on me and it doesn’t feel like the end of the year. 

I have no new years’ resolution in place, except maybe punctuality. A failed 2013 resolution that needs urgent resolution.  

Apart from the still recurring lateness, other 2013 resolutions seem to have resolved itself, maybe a bit of undoing in the gym department but with a proper routine ready for full time work in 2014 sees this habit making a comeback in the near future. 

As for winning (refer to 2012 posts), I did. It felt good, it still does even now and I don’t want to be the slightest bit modest about it. They say it shouldn’t feel this good, but it does so I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to think about it except for the fact that I stopped losing. 

2014..a no expectation year? No, I can’t have another one of those. Will have to get back to this. 

Are you happy? 

It’s one thing to ask yourself this 

but to have somebody else ask..